The struggle to focus on the future after a trauma.
All of us deal with trauma differently. Most of us deal with it in a healthy way and though it may take time to heal they grow stronger an eventually have given the trauma a healthy place in their lives and life goes on. For some of us, however, this is not how we deal with trauma, rather than face the pain and hurt and working through it we decide to deny its existence and start to mask it in hiding from it in unhealthy and severely damaging ways.
Why do some people have the strength to face things head-on and others don't? What is it that makes that difference? It is quite simple actually, like most things in life you don’t know how to do something because no one has ever taught us to face and deal with it. Our environment where we grow up in is what shapes how we learn to deal with outside forces in our lives, unexpected and harmful events are dealt with in the manner that those close to us deal with them.
Once you are trapped in a life of denial the truth can become harder and harder to see and you shut yourself off to anyone that tells you the truth and avoid all situations where you might be confronted with the truth.
This pattern is hard to break, I can tell you from experience. I am such a person that has really had to learn the hard way how to move on from trauma in the right way.
Trauma entered my life at birth when I was secretly given birth to in a convent in Sri-Lanka. My mother had run away in secret with her mother because my father and his family wanted to have me aborted the day after she ran off. Obviously, I don't remember this and was seemingly happily adopted by a loving couple from the Netherlands, but I do remember the nightmares I had as a child where I was terrified I was being taken away from my parents which in retrospect had an obvious source.
Very early on however when I was 4 years old I was first sexually abused by the older brother of a friend from school. At that time I had no idea of the trauma that would leave behind. Later on a few years later, I was abused again by a different man and in my early teens, I was systematically abused by a friend of the family that lived in our house.
Another trauma I had no idea how to deal with and was too ashamed to tell anyone for a very long time. When my parents divorced, I was I think 17 years old maybe 18 but I was old enough to know about hard drugs and I found my relief in drugs for many years and dealt with the trauma by escaping the reality of my life. The reality being that I was deeply damaged by the abuse and the fact that I had never learnt to deal with any of it in a healthy way made the major escape the drugs gave me the best solution in the universe to me. As you can expect this spiralled out of control and I should have died so many times on the streets in Amsterdam but somehow I did find out that this wasn't the way to deal with my pain and got out. I got out of the life of rugs and crime but still had not really a good idea of how to really deal with the trauma inflicted on my life by now both myself and others.
I went to rehab and there I got clean, got back to my life back in the way that I had learned that drugs were not the answer to my pain and though they were really nice to use and the feeling is like nothing else , the consequences of feeling that way we're not actually in proportion to the ultimate cost.
Now I worked through my pains and gave them a place in my life so that I could start to live free from that burden and that took time and struggle and tears and energy but it was crucial to the journey of getting ready for a new life.
Now that was my journey of trauma and how I learned to deal with my trauma and we all have our own journey and how we have or are dealing with the trauma in our lives. But how do we move on from trauma how do you start to fill the gaps of time left once you have the time to spare because no more effort is put into managing this trauma, it has been dealt with. How you fill this time and space is going to be essential to how you build up your life back to a healthy one. Into a life full of accomplishments and milestones. Filling this space with healthy and productive things can be a challenge in its own right but once you have done that and start building on these things You will start to run into new things. New potential hurts and traumas are never far away and it is important to keep your mind focused.
I want to help you stay focused and on target after trauma in your life. Have you gone through hell and back and find it hard to stay focused on the future in a positive way I want to help you.
So when you have gone through a trauma of any sorts, for me it was abuse, for others it is the loss of a family member, physical or mental abuse, war or anything else that damages a healthy soul. When you have the wounds and scars on your soul, it can be scary to take another step in life. Everyone again deals with things differently, I want to help you find your best way forward, help you to figure out your direction and the confidence to live the life you deserve.
See you will probably get hit with trauma again in your life and the journey of your life will be difficult at times. It is important to not forget to prepare yourself both physically and mentally for the next storm in your life.
Where do you get your energy from? When moving on from trauma it is important to remain positively energised. So where are you getting your energy from? Maybe there are better energy sources out there? Like how you would not settle for the first new car you have a look at you should not settle in your first source of positive energy if you think there might be something better out there.
Trauma is often attached to a certain place or certain people so maybe you need to get new friends and finding the right friends isn't always easy. Maybe it involves you getting a new job but then not every job will give you the positive reinforcement and energy that is healthy for you. So where do you get your energy from?
You have to ask yourself this question every day. So many things can have a negative effect on our energy. Negative words from people close to us, negative news about a situation at work, the guy cutting in front of you in line at the shops or on the freeway. Negative energy is everywhere and when you allow too much of it in your life it will start to affect your ability to keep moving on and has the potential to move you backwards. It is so important to keep yourself surrounded with positive energy and cut out anything that is negative to you out of your life with extreme prejudice, Nothing is more dangerous to a healthy and prosperous life than negative energy. Keep yourself surrounded by positive and energised people and do the things you love. That doesn't mean don't do the tedious things you just simply have to do but it means to keep your mind focused on positive things and people at all times even during the tedious ones and to exterminate all negativity.
Today I want to leave it here and let you think about what negative things you still have in your life. What things are draining your positive energy and what things are giving you negative and damaging energy. Take some time to write them down and then see which can you cut off immediately, like a bad habit you have or stop going to a place you shouldn't and then the things which need some work and are more complicated, things like a job or a family member. Write these down and give yourself an overview of what you can do to positively influence your life. In my next chat, I want to talk about another aspect of moving on.
Taking action and being confident.